No new job for me. The guy they picked is awesome, though, certainly no one I mind losing to, and I received a lot of encouraging feedback from the hiring manager. No hard feelings, no tears shed, moving on.
With the winter solstice now safely behind us, with the sun clawing less frenetically toward the horizon in the evenings, the sap is starting to flow again for me. I’m getting strong urges to get the hibernation phase of winter over and done with, get ready to green up in spring. It’s a vague, itchy feeling at this point, but after so many seasons of my internal fluxes, at least I now recognize what that feeling is. It took me quite awhile to realize what my body and emotions were trying to tell me with the seasonal changes. I’m still learning to listen to certain aspects, to trust my instincts, to let the inner voice be heard rather than quashed.
I didn’t read any blogs last week while I was putting together the Postgres presentation, which meant I had about 1500 unread Reader posts. Good. Lord. I am only down to 963 (you people keep writing things!) but I’m unsubscribing from some feeds as I go. I wish I could figure out where in Google Reader it tells me how many sites I am following. Right now, I can only approximate “a metric f*ckton.” Too many, certainly; it’s a source of stress rather than relief. And thus, I’ve been gently pruning them.
Trouble is, for every two or three I remove myself from, I find another. Two steps forward, one step back. Blargh! I need to be ruthless.
And speaking of “ruthless,” I’ve hit the point where I am absolutely driving myself crazy. It is time to be more ruthless in getting healthy. This may mean Mike Neir may wish to start cooking his own tasty dinners, because mine will probably start being much more healthy-oriented. Which isn’t to say I’ll be eating sand and cranberries, mind you, but it’s easier to make fast, stick-and-berry healthy food than to make delicious stuff. Of course, that could just be my lack of experience talking there.
I had a doctor appointment yesterday, described the overwhelming, long-term “meh” feeling and he started asking me questions about apathy, diet and whether or not I had any stomach issues (I don’t.) In the unlikely event I have a gluten allergy, he ordered bloodwork drawn to test for that, and also advised I cut out as many carbs as I can stand to. This is in line with what I’d like to do myself, but I have a really really hard time avoiding carbs. Carbs are my go-to hungry/depressed/whatever food. I know they’re awful in excess. They are probably contributing to my high cholesterol, my weight, my mood and my lack of energy.
It will be so nice when summer is here and produce is growing in our garden. When I can take a bike ride on a whim.
I am going to start incorporating more activity into daily routines, and gradually add in exercise. I need to develop a plan for this, and a time slot, otherwise it’s not going to get done. The Wii fit is becoming more appealing again, because it has variety and varying levels of intensity.
Also in the “ruthless” category, a serious effort to bear those new year’s words in mind: Compassion, Connection, Home; I am totally falling down on the first two. I find myself often sending harsh comments about others into instant messages, getting exasperated over issues with people in my life, not seeking out more community.
It seems as if every time I make a concerted effort to be more positive and mindful, the universe makes a concerted effort to really test my resolve.
But alright, universe, I will tackle this shit by the horns.
- Knitting class starts this Thursday, in an effort to seek community/connection.
- As difficult as it may be right now, I will try to connect more fully with Mike Neir.
- I will be mindful and attempt not to say things like, “I am going to string Vincent up by his balls.”
- I will be mindful of the thought processes leading up to statements such as, “I am going to string Vincent up by his balls,” even if said balls seriously do deserve stringing up.
- I will be more compassionate to everyone with whom I come into contact – even my mother, even myself.
- I will trim down that Google Reader list, so I can maintain sane connections with the blogs I enjoy most, rather than getting stressed out over the number of posts I can only skim over.
Rereading that last bit, I’m not sure it’s possible to “tackle” something with “compassion,” but “tackling with compassion” does sound like something that would be right up my alley.
One of the supervisors here, Russ, has some pretty good Reiki mojo. There have been times when I seriously almost couldn’t move after only a few minutes of his focused attention. The feeling lasts for a few moments, and then my conscious mind claws its way in and resumes its function as Major Buzzkill. My natural state is tense at this point. I have no earthly idea how to really relax anymore. For years, there has always been Some Dreadfully Stressful Thing hanging over my head, impossible to ignore. While those things have certainly diminished in number, the constant vigilance is a tremendously difficult habit to shake.
The vigilant habit, coupled with the current issues of import, are kicking my ass right now. I stare and blink at them and wonder, “well what the hell do I do with those?”
Perhaps getting motivated and energized through physical activity will help me kick myself over the hurdle of attacking them.
Getting organized should help, too.
Ok, universe – bring it.*
* And by “bring it,” in this case, I mean “bring it gently at first, if it’s not too much trouble.”